Thursday, 13 October 2016
Out of sorts
I feel well out of sorts, and I'm not keen.
I don't know exactly what it is, but it could be related to the cat. He's sweet, he really is - and there's nothing like the hit of warm honey I get when he touches his face to mine - but he's nervous, and I think I'm responding to that. I feel like a stranger in my home; I keep misjudging spatially, can't move round the house with ease, am not sleeping right. But why would the house feel different?
It feels different without Frost, of course. He was louder and he swaggered about from the moment he arrived. I feel less upset now, but I still can't believe it has happened, that he's gone. I expected feelings of loneliness, but not this strange, disjointed feeling of things being slightly 'off'.
I've done nothing in the house since before he disappeared, and everything is physically and metaphorically encroaching onto my peace of mind. I do need to sort that - perhaps I would feel like it was my home again. I wish my session with Barbara had helped more - paying £50 for a catch up was frustrating, when for months I've been looking forward to properly offloading.
As ever, Lynsey and Nichole have been loving and brilliant. But with everyone, I feel I'm putting on a friendly face (though not very well); I'm irritable, I have no interest in anyone and want to be on my own. Look at what happened with Kate. That was awful. I'm finding it hard to give a shit.
* * * *
I just rang the Blue Cross Bereavement Helpline. Who knew it existed? I spoke to an elderly lady who was very kind. She said, "Not all pets are special. Some are just very nice." She said she'd pray for me. I didn't realise til I started speaking to her how upset I still was - so ignore what I said above. This weekend I should start trying to draw that picture of him, because he was one of the special ones and I need to remember him.
I don't regret getting little Artie. He's going to need more looking after, but I can do that, and I can love him. We just need to figure out how to be together. The only trouble is people thinking I'm no longer sad when I am; there's no replacing a certain personality in your life. There are just new littles to meet and provide a happy home for.
I've felt like I'm going through a fallow period, so maybe I need to embrace it now. Look forward to Christmas, festivity, decorations and ginger wine. With my little cat, and his smell of warm honey.